Wisdom of the Idiots: Part 33

Wisdom of the Idiots: Part 33; The Map is Not the Territory


“Why me, God? Eh? Why was it always me? Oh, the troubles I went through for you. The adversity, the hardships, the sacrifices. Oh, how you made me suffer for . . .”
“And . . . you are?”
“What?”
“I’m sorry. Have we been introduced?”
“Don’t you know me? Look you’re . . . you’re God the Father, aren’t you? I mean, you made me.”
“Ah! Did I? Is this a paternity claim? If it is . . ”
“Paternity claim? What? No. What do you mean?”
“You said I made you - do you have any proof of that claim.
“Proof? Ah . . well, it’s in all the books, isn’t it?”
“Books? Ah right, books. Hearsay. All of it. That’s what that is. Not admissible, I’m afraid.”
“I’m lost here. What do you mean proof of claim? Admissible where?”
“Look if you’re going to make a claim you need proof of claim. I mean anyone could just say I’m his dad and next thing you know they’re trying to move in with me.”
“Jesus, I’m totally lost here. Not a clue what’s going . . . . “
“Jesus? Did you say Jesus? What’s he got to do with it? What’s he been up to now?”
“Up to? Now? I don’t know if he’s been up to anything, all I know is that he said that I can only come to the Father through him.”
“So he brought you here, then?”
“Well, no – I followed him.”
“You followed him?”
“Yes. For forty years.”
“Stalking is a crime you know?”
“I wasn’t stalking him! He made me a promise that if I followed him I’d go to Heaven and live with the Father forever and ever.”
“So you do want to move in! Look, it sounds like there’s a bit of a contract thing going on here. Right, he made you an offer, you accepted, obviously or you wouldn’t have stalked him for forty years ..”
“I wasn’t stalking him!”
“. . .  and he says he’ll take you to the Father – that’s me, by the way – and you . . . what? What consideration did you give for this benefit?”
“Well, I gave money to the church for one thing.”
“Okay, let me see if I’ve got this straight. My son makes you a promise. You give money to my son’s church, and in return I let you live in my house with me forever. Is that about right?”
“Well, yeah, pretty much - although I wouldn’t quite put it that way myself.”
“I’m sorry but you have not provided a claim upon which relief may be granted.”
“Now I’m really confused.”
“Look, as I said, I’m sorry, but you don’t have a contract to enforce here. Consideration need not be equal but it must be valuable, and executory promise of performance by a non involved third party to a contract is not valuable consideration. I have no obligations in this matter. The contract is void ab initio. Besides, this attachment to equity you’re trying to create for me is based on hearsay and anecdotal evidence. I mean, where’s the contract? Where’s the original instrument I signed which created this attachment of equity to me?”
“Fuck!”
“Okay. Now that that’s been cleared up let’s move on to my claim.”
“Your claim?”
“Certainly. You accused me of causing you injury, harm and loss. Again, You’re going to need proof of claim - and every claim creates an immediate counterclaim. Here, read this.”
“I, God, deny that I caused you injury, harm and loss; I do not believe that you have any evidence that I caused you injury, harm and loss and I do not believe that any such evidence exists.”
“What’s this?”
“A negative averment.”
“What’s that mean?”
“It means that I shall be demanding your factual, evidential proof of claim in court. You know, witnesses, video footage. That kind of thing”
“I’m fucked, aren’t I?”
“Ah, equity! Let he who will be deceived be deceived. I love it!”

Musashi.